Stumped

If ever a child coined the phrase "terrible twos", he was Teryn Gregory Todd. 

I don't even know where to start.  Nothing has ever frustrated, stressed, and confused me so badly.  Tyson and I are both completely stumped.  We feel like we're doing everything we can but to no avail.  That's why I'm here.  Perhaps an outsider's view could bring to light what we need to do. 

Teryn has always been independent.  He's always been active.  He's always been hard-headed and stubborn.  He's always been curious and on the edge of mischievous.  I recognize he has his own mind and personality and I want to facilitate that while helping him learn how to channel his emotions, understand right from wrong, and recognize when something is appropriate and when it's not.

He's smart.  He doesn't speak much, but by darn we know he understands 98% of what people say.  And if there's something he's been in trouble for, he remembers it. 

With all that said, let me tell a little about what he does that's so frustrating.  Three things in particular.

He loves to get into the entertainment center and just throw all the DVDs off the shelves.  Then he gets into the cases and messes with the DVDs themselves.  Every time he does this I swat his butt, tell him not to do it, and then he helps me clean them up and put them back.  Last week I affixed knobs to the entertainment center doors so we can wrap a rubber band around them and keep him out.  Even then, he beats and beats on the doors and tries his darndest to get the rubber band off.  He's even tried chewing through it.

Next.  He's decided he doesn't like to sleep.  This is especially frustrating since he's never fought nap time or bedtime since he was 2 weeks old.  He's in a toddler bed now which gives him the freedom to get in and out of bed but only recently has he decided to get out of bed and come out of his room.  No big deal, right?  Until you wake up at 12:30 a.m. to someone in your house, only to find it's your toddler running around.  Not OK.  He knows he has a nap every day and he knows he goes to bed every night and he knows he shouldn't come out of his room but he still does.  The other night Tyson and I put he and Ryder to bed around 8:00 p.m. and then cuddled up to watch a movie together.  Teryn got out of his room probably 8-10 times and it was 11:00 p.m. by the time he stayed in his bed and fell asleep.  I thought maybe he would sleep in the next day to make up for lost sleep but he was up and at it at 7:30 a.m. like always.  We've tried not putting him down for a nap to see if it would make him more tired at night but that didn't work.  If he doesn't get a nap he gets super irritable and cranky by the day's end.  I've tried waking him prematurely from his nap but it's just as bad.  He used to get 12 hours of sleep at night and a good 2-3 hour nap during the day.  Now he maybe gets 9 or 10 hours of sleep at night and maybe a 1-1 1/2 hour nap during the day.  I wouldn't have a problem with that if he were able to function happily and cooperate on that much sleep but he gets more and more defiant and cranky the less sleep he gets.  We are consistent with a schedule every day but he chooses to defy it.  I should also mention that when we lay him down for nap time and bedtime, he doesn't fight us or throw a fit.  He lays down, watches us leave the room, and just waits until he thinks we're not around and then tries to be sneaky about getting out.  

Lastly.  And this is by far the most frustrating.  He loves to dump my (powder) laundry detergent all over the laundry room and play in it.  This is maddening for three major reasons.  One: it's messy.  I have plenty to do without having to vacuum my laundry room several times a day.  Two:  laundry detergent isn't cheap.  Every ounce he throws is another ounce I have to repurchase.  Three:  it's toxic.  I didn't realize how potent laundry detergent is until these recent messes.  The fumes make me dizzy.  People use it to make Meth.  That's the last thing I want my 2 year old playing in.  Again, every time he does it, I spank his butt and tell him not to do it again, and then he watches me clean it up.  I tried putting the detergent out of his reach but yesterday he somehow got to it again.  Not only did he get to it, he got to it while he was supposed to be in bed for a nap.  Tyson fell asleep on the couch after lunch and I put the kids down.  I stayed up long enough to make sure they were settled and then I went to my bed to take a nap too.  I had their monitors next to me so I could hear if they needed anything.  About 30 minutes later I heard Tyson chastising Teryn.  I heard him spank him.  Twice.  Teryn cried.  Hard.  I got out of bed and went downstairs to see what was going on and found the (big!) mess Teryn made in the laundry room.  He snuck out of bed and dumped the entire box of detergent all over the carpet. 

I realize he's a boy and nobody knows the nature of boys better than I do.  He's wired to be curious and active and messy.  But nothing gives him the excuse to be defiant like he is.  Not even the introduction of a new baby in his life.  He gets just as much attention (if not more because we're trying harder) as he did before Ryder came along. 

Possibly the most frustrating thing about it all is the fact that I'm the one who's home with him every day so I know his discipline is consistent.  He knows the things he isn't supposed to/allowed to do because he gets consistent discipline when he does them.  I know he knows because he consciously says "no no no!" as he's about to do something he knows he shouldn't do.  If he does something for the first time that he shouldn't be doing (i.e. the other day he got into the fireplace [while it wasn't burning, thank heaven!] and threw ashes all over the living room.  Nice!) we explain to him why it's wrong and ask him not to do it again.  He doesn't get spanked because we realize he's still learning what's right and what's wrong.  But when he's been disciplined for doing the same thing time and time again, he knows better and just chooses to do it anyway.

More than that, he isn't always getting into trouble.  He isn't always being disciplined.  We have more happy times than not.  We read books, we sing songs, we play tag, we have tickle fights, etc.  Tyson and I aren't the constantly-stern and rigid parents.  We have fun.  So if Teryn has such good, happy times with us, why can't he see when he makes us so mad and frustrated?  And why on earth does he go out of his way to provoke it?  I just don't get it.

I am a firm believer in positive reinforcement.  I've considered creating something like a sticker chart that he can stick a sticker on every time he stays in his bed.  The problem with something like that is he would get fixated on the stickers and have a fit if he didn't get more than one which would defeat the purpose.  I wish I could think of something that he would react well to.  Any ideas?

I'll probably buy a few child-proof door knob covers.  One for his room and one for the laundry room.  Even then, I want him to learn and simply choose to be obedient, rather than having to prevent him from acting entirely. 

He's young.  He's learning.  It's just a phase (hopefully).  I know.  But that doesn't mean I'm going to stand back and just do my best to get through it.  I believe he is living some of the most impressionable, moldable moments of his life.  I won't let them pass me by without an attempt to guide and teach.

Advice is welcome; however, there are three opinions I won't agree with.  One:  he's too young to be disciplined.  Two:  he doesn't understand discipline.  Three: I shouldn't try to live by a schedule.  (If you want to know why I don't agree with those ideas that's reason for another post.)  Aside from those, any and all thoughts are welcome.