My brother Teryn suffered from depression for
years. We were very close, he and I. After he passed almost 5 years
ago I read his journals. I get emotional thinking about all the hurt he
felt for so many years, and no one even knew. He was a great man. A
happy man. The most generous man I've ever known. Everyone loved him.
Everyone. Yet he struggled to feel loved.
If I'm honest, I struggle too. I may appear to be confident, stable, happy, strong. Sometimes I am. Most times I'm not. I may appear not to care what other people think or say. Truth is I do. A lot.
The hardest part is feeling like no one understands. No one feels the way I do. Thank heaven for my husband who lets me cry and express my feelings of discontent and inadequacy. He knows my deepest secrets, my greatest fears, and the hollowest holes in my heart. He listens, he comforts, he loves, but he doesn't understand.
The only person I've ever known who would understand is Teryn. The only person I could call is Teryn. Oh, I miss him. This post wasn't intended to be about him but as I sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks, feeling the way I do after a day like today, I can't help but know that if he was still here I would be on the phone with him rather than typing at my computer.
I've mentioned before that I wish I had a sister. I wish I had a woman to connect with. Someone who innately understood me. Someone who not only accepted me for me but loved and admired every bit of me. Someone with a dominate personality like mine. Someone who didn't judge or belittle or look down on my life decisions and opinions. Someone who made me feel confident and supported the life I live and the woman I am.
I hope to be more sensitive. I hope to be more outreaching and compassionate. I hope to see beyond myself and realize there are other people who need to feel love. Most likely the people who act like everything is OK. The people who seem the happiest. The people who seem the strongest. People like me.
**I admire Lexi Magnusson over at mostlytruestuff.com for her always-honest blog posts. (One day if I meet her she might just be this friend I'm longing for =0) I decided tonight I would be honest myself.**
If I'm honest, I struggle too. I may appear to be confident, stable, happy, strong. Sometimes I am. Most times I'm not. I may appear not to care what other people think or say. Truth is I do. A lot.
The hardest part is feeling like no one understands. No one feels the way I do. Thank heaven for my husband who lets me cry and express my feelings of discontent and inadequacy. He knows my deepest secrets, my greatest fears, and the hollowest holes in my heart. He listens, he comforts, he loves, but he doesn't understand.
The only person I've ever known who would understand is Teryn. The only person I could call is Teryn. Oh, I miss him. This post wasn't intended to be about him but as I sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks, feeling the way I do after a day like today, I can't help but know that if he was still here I would be on the phone with him rather than typing at my computer.
I've mentioned before that I wish I had a sister. I wish I had a woman to connect with. Someone who innately understood me. Someone who not only accepted me for me but loved and admired every bit of me. Someone with a dominate personality like mine. Someone who didn't judge or belittle or look down on my life decisions and opinions. Someone who made me feel confident and supported the life I live and the woman I am.
I hope to be more sensitive. I hope to be more outreaching and compassionate. I hope to see beyond myself and realize there are other people who need to feel love. Most likely the people who act like everything is OK. The people who seem the happiest. The people who seem the strongest. People like me.
**I admire Lexi Magnusson over at mostlytruestuff.com for her always-honest blog posts. (One day if I meet her she might just be this friend I'm longing for =0) I decided tonight I would be honest myself.**
Thanks for this, honest helps us heal. I hope you know how much I love and admire you! It's good to know that other people have insecurities, fears, and emotions that we try so hard to hide. Let them out. It's okay not to be happy and perfect all the time. You are a wonderful woman, wife and mother. I hope you know how loved and admired you are by myself and everyone who knows you!
ReplyDeleteSometimes it's so much easier to put on that facade than to let everyone into our deepest areas. Hugs and thanks for being honest! Sometimes I think we could all use more honesty.
ReplyDeleteHonesty is such a beautiful thing. Thanks for sharing. This made me think of a blog I recently read that is so so good.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.mamamia.com.au/health-wellbeing/her-husband-had-an-accident/
You should read it. We all have "signs" around our necks. Everyones is different.
I always, always appreciate honesty, and I try to express it myself, but the online world makes it really hard. I can sit here in my robe and read about Kelsie's daily jogs (ha) and Catherine's 40 freezer meals and Laurel's at-home preschool while my kids fight on the dirty kitchen floor.
ReplyDeleteI also find it interesting that the people who seem to be the most universally-liked have the hardest time feeling loved. I totally put you in that category. Heck, I still think you are too cool/artsy/athletic/driven/funny/pretty/popular to be friends with me. I love your dominant personality and have just recently realized that all my Type 3 friends are the ones I try to be like. Huh.
Anyway, I also wish you had a sister, or someone else who could understand. Of all the terrible feelings in this world, feeling alone is the worst. I've felt it, you've felt it, maybe we all have. Maybe that's why we need each other.
Honesty as it pertains to sharing emotional details about ourselves is one of the hardest things, but it is always appreciated by those you share it with. Thank you for sharing this post and being real. You may never know who you have helped by doing so.
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What a great post! You will always be admired by me... that's for sure!
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