Motherhood Changes Things

I'm already crying and I've barely touched the keyboard.......

So many wonderful things have been happening and I've wanted to get on and blog about them but I keep hitting this wall of sadness that I'm afraid I won't get past until I blog about a devastating reality check I've experienced this past week.  It just doesn't seem fair for me to celebrate my joys when my heart hurts so badly for someone else's loss.

Last week a friend of mine posted on Facebook about some medical issues her little 2 year old son was experiencing and she requested our prayers on his behalf.  I'm going to shamefully admit, I didn't think much of it because I have such faith in medicine and what doctors can do.  Over the next couple of days I haphazardly browsed through Facebook and never saw her updates so I wasn't aware of what was happening.  Before I could think twice and check up on her family, she posted that their little boy had passed away just four days after her initial notification.

My heart hurt.  It still hurts.  I never met her little boy but just the idea of everything she's going through hits too close to home.  Seeing videos and pictures of her little boy at his viewing was too much for me.  Tyson thought he would end up looking like the hard-hearted, emotionless man because he didn't expect to cry but seeing all of it was even too much for him.  Just the thought of losing a child was/is unbearable.  I cannot imagine.

Both of the little boy's parents are friends of Tyson and I.  We were truly amazed at the strength they exhibited during the viewing.  They were both so poised and able to smile and receive the support of the community.  I could hardly spit any words out of my mouth as I hugged them but they emanated such strength and courage.  I am still in awe of their ability to accept God's will and find joy in their experience.  All along, they referred to their son's services as "celebrating his life."  That left a lasting impression on me.

I will never forget what my friend said as I hugged her.  I told her "you're a wonderful woman," and she smiled and simply said, "spoil your boys a little more for us, OK?"  I've definitely done things a little differently since then.  So has Tyson.  He gave Teryn his own full-size Tootsie Pop the other night to suck on while he (Teryn) showered =0)

It's harder for me to accept death since becoming a mother.  I've lost several loved ones over the past 10 years, including my brother and a handful of close friends, and before becoming a mom it was much easier to have simple faith in my Heavenly Father's plan for his children.  It was easier to find peace in knowing I will see them again someday.  It doesn't come so easy anymore.  I can't even describe it in words.  It is just such a different situation now. 

If my friends come across this post, I hope you know that you're in our thoughts and prayers.  Your influence has changed Tyson and I and we are grateful for your examples.  I've experienced several moments in the last week when I think about your beautiful little boy and I mourn your loss.  I cry.  I know he is yours to keep and he will be watching over you every day of the rest of your lives.  I know you've found peace in your knowledge of eternal families and I pray that if I'm ever faced with the same situation I can stand with even a fraction of your strength.